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Darkened skies drift overhead, heavy clouds roiling against an empty backdrop.  Grey is torn by violent cracks of light; air is stretched tight with electricity, crackling like static through the evening.

The heavens break, their power of imprisonment over what dwells within crumbling.  Water falls in torrents, melting dirt, soaking grass, impacting river, streaming down her skin.

She extends her hand, shining rain running over her trembling palm, dripping down her outstretched fingers.

The wind torments her hair, water plastering the strands against her bare shoulders.

The river before her churns white, raging against the captivity of the banks.  Rain beats down on the surface of the angry water.

Her eyes survey the dark skies, lips speaking questions, breath escaping in a ragged scream, raising her voice to the heavens.  The clouds drift on.  The wind is indifferent.  The whisper of the rain isn’t response enough.

There’s no one listening.

She sweeps her eyes across the landscape surrounding her, as if waiting for something.  Long moments drift past.  The wind ruffles the grass under her bare feet.  She turns once more to face the boiling river, her tears mingling with the rain running down her cheeks, water lost in water.

Lightning splits the sky above, illuminating the world in one frozen moment of time.  She closes her eyes, letting the water rush over her toes, past her ankle.

Lightning cracks the air once more, thunder echoing darkly, lighting up the raging water of the river, the falling rain suspended in time, the empty bank.

There’s no one watching.

Maybe there never was.
©2006-2009 ~HeadmistressJack
:iconheadmistressjack:

Author's Comments

Love, come quickly
Because I feel my self esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love, come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love, don't leave me…

Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away…

-- “Gunning Down Romance”, Savage Garden


-----

I was listening to that song when I was writing my final draft of this, and it seemed to fit really well... maybe not all the lyrics, but some of them, and the overall sound of it fit really well. I like how I managed to take the optimism at the end of the song... and kill it. Oh dear.

Anyway...I sort of tried something different here. On this one, I want solid feedback, good or bad. Be harsh, people. I can take it XD I'd really like to improve. This was sort of a writing exercise for me; I started writing about an image that came to mind, and I saw where it led me, and I re-wrote it until I was happy with it.

Things I'm looking for especially in reviews:
- Avoidance of clichés
- Word choice, both in relation to theme and symbolism, and in how it sounds overall, if there are any pieces that don't fit the whole
- Evaluation of mood
- Evaluation of my attempt to distance the reader from the character
- Does it make any goddamn sense?! XD

Obviously all comments are welcome, even if it's just a "nice job" or "you suck", but I'd appreciate some raw feedback.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconshoodibhere:
You really do have the soul of a poet. How many people would ever consider a river captive? The popular images say steady and uncontrollable, but here you've defied convention. That line really stuck. Very well done. As always your imagery is powerful and true more to your style than any that could be referenced. Brava.

--
For some reason, the concept of a straight white male who supports gay rights, women rights, and adheres to his own code of chivalrous behaviour while thinking women should be as independent as they want is strange to some people...
:iconheadmistressjack:
Wow, thank you. That thought never even occurred to me, that it wasn't a conventional image. I suppose I felt the river was free, but only within the confinement of the banks that contained it. As with so many other things, it's only free within the constraints of something else, something larger and more powerful. Anyway, thank you for the constructive comment. You've no idea how hard it is for me to get feedback from anyone; usually I have to corner someone and ask them specific questions.

Thank you.

--
~the-jackyll << My (more serious) writing account.
---
Making lulz out of nothing at all, since 1987.
:iconzombie-pip:
Awww.... this definately creates a wonderful and strong visual mental picture! I love the way you put your words together.
I love when you write sorrowful type poems...they make me happy! o_o

--
:|
:iconheadmistressjack:
they make you happy? XD interesting....

i dunno, i seem to have a thing for writing stuff where people suffer or kill themselves XDD

--
~the-jackyll << My (more serious) writing account.
---
Making lulz out of nothing at all, since 1987.
:iconstrawberry-stained:
Ghjakdgfad... god, I love your writing style. ^^; Everything blends so smoothly together, and the level of description and surrealism pulls you right into whatever world the prose presents. I can like... see the story instead of just reading it. Does that sound retarded? XD It's amazing how much of a story you can tell in so few words. You are my hero. :D

--
pooscoopgirl: it is a captiol idea isnt it
mo0nym0lester: captiol
mo0nym0lester: indeed
pooscoopgirl: duck you
:iconheadmistressjack:
thank you so much XDD and no, i don't think it sounds stupid XD i feel that description is one of my weak points so one of my motivations for writing this was to try and work on that.

thanks a lot for the lovely comment :D

--
~the-jackyll << My (more serious) writing account.
---
Making lulz out of nothing at all, since 1987.

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February 2, 2006
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